Brace Yourself.
I go to buy a coffee after a 4am wake up and a string of I don't even know how many days straight of crazy stress.
No. No coffee.
I turn to face my travel companion. She, having just stirred in a little sugar, samples the hot tasty goodness of the apparent LAST cup of coffee gold. So relegating myself to the task of finding some overpriced alternative, I look up in the middle of my search only to see that the man who had been standing behind me walk away with nothing other than a cup of coffee. WTF? Where is Alanis Morissette when you need her?
Digging in my purse I discover that I may have forgotten my coin purse full of the local currency I opt to pay for my 5 Euro half cup of yogurt with blueberries with my VISA. Swipe one...the card won't read. No problem. With determination, I whip out my Mastercard... NOPE on that one too. I stare at the European goddess in front of me behind the cash register wielding all her "its impossible" power. My companion leans over me to the rescue with her 5 Euro bill. GREAT.
These are tiny, seemingly insignificant problems. I am not fool enough to miss that these are first world problems, but this season of my life is so full of these stupid "insignificant" problems that I am overwhelmed and feeling crushed by the weight of it all.
I should mention that my travel companion and I are at the airport flying to ROME for a treat. I know right? "Gag me on the pretentious bullshit. Poor you, you crazy bitch" You may be thinking..."Seriously though, how DARE you cry about your cappuccino not coming through at the flick of the VISA."
Truth is I totally recognize I don't deserve sympathy. But see how I mentioned seemingly in the paragraphs before...I am about to share with you a little more to the story and I do hope, (undeserving as I am) for a little compassion.
Isn't that a strange word? We use it a lot but break it down and really look at it. A SHARED SUFFERING is what that is. The kind of painful suffering that Christ endured in His passion. Okay, okay, my latte is not the torture of the passion but hear me out.
Compassion in shared intense suffering.
What if I told you that after moving an ocean away we are packing up after little more than a year and moving back across the ocean again, making this our 10th move in 18 years? This season has us picking up part and parcel and pulling our kids out of school halfway through the year. One of whom is a senior. Who is already having a hard enough time explaining why he hasn't been picked up for student council president, team captain or any of the other more coveted leadership positions because he hasn't been in one place long enough to compete for those roles...roles he needs because he wants to serve, like his father, but by achieving the great feat of earning a place on the long grey line (the US Military Academy). This is going to be his third high school.
The reason for the move? My hubs is taking his dream job. A job he has prayed for and worked for for years. A job that will have him receiving the ceremonial honor of without us. Because we can't be there as a family. The request to push the date to a time that would have us all there to witness his achievement as a family was denied. The people who had the authority and ability were either unable or unwilling to consider this hardship for us a worthy reason to make the adjustment.
The kids have to complete the daily tasks and coursework in addition to working ahead three full weeks and complete final exams at the same time so that they can complete the semester to put them back on the same calendar as their new counterparts in our new location.
The first "real" job I have had in ages, is one I LOVE. I mean I get so excited when I get to go to work and seeing that the work I love is also contributing financially is one that I have to leave. I have to walk away from this to walk into a space that may see me as wanting, undeserving, unworthy and all with no compensation.
We couldn't seem to find a house that would fit in the area with the "good school".
Our only vehicle has died and while we await the parts for the repairs that keep adding up a routine health check for our beloved kitty has turned into discussions of farewell and ashes instead of which of her favorite toys we should bring and which we should pack.
My cell phone bit the dust and the handy I got has me praying even harder for NO EMERGENCIES because it is more unreliable than finding a payphone in this decade.
I tell you all this, and there is still more. But what I want to share with you is this... Perspective.
I have been crying (like ugly, snotting, eyes bulging and swollen, crying) and suffering and complaining. Because this shit...all of it in one big stinking pile, is tough. Its really freaking hard ya'll. But it is also in HOW we suffer. How we use our suffering, or rather how our suffering is USED. I want to share how brokenness and ugliness and hurt can be seen and carried. Not that this stuff changes...it is still hard and stinky and heavy, but it IS survivable.
I got to the retreat house thinking, okay....let the fun begin... exhale...leave all that crap behind for a few days and just enjoy yourself! You DESERVE to just relax Cass.
One of the first faces I see tightens and the cold coming from that once warm comforting face made me stop and wonder, could I see my breath? I realized in a moment, one of so many recently, that I felt utterly alone, frustrated and confused. Then the memory of our last encounter flooded over me. I remembered that in a moment of sheer panic and sadness and being overwhelmed, I had reach out to her...social media word vomit bile spewed, cried, and complained and then in the middle of the spewage the doorbell rang for the pre-inspection for the moving company interrupted my pea soup and I simply left the conversation hanging there. So confronted with my own sorrow, I realized that in my pain and suffering I couldn't, well, didn't stop to see how big of a mistake that was. I instead, focused thinking that the mistake had been to trust my mess and my hurt to that person. And you might be tempted too now that you know some of the compounding crazy I was dealing with. But we don't know what was on the other side of that screen, do we? I didn't stop to consider what ALL. THAT. was doing to her. Maybe she too was being forced to eat a shit sandwich served to her by life and I just poured shit show gravy all over it and walked away.
The mistake I made wasn't to believe I could trust my sorrow to her, the mistake I made was NOT trusting the person that could truly, deeply and unconditionally love me in spite of myself. JESUS.
I have focused on the pain, which is real. But I looked at it all without realizing that all those problems are coming from places of blessing. Let me explain.
My son has ambition and character and has a dream to service... my other son is kind and sensitive and they both are such good men. It's tough to pull them out of this place but they are up to the challenge. We have had the opportunity of a lifetime to live in amazing places and this one, not once BUT TWICE! That vehicle that is dead, well she is 15 years old! She has lasted long enough to be nearly vintage. Those credit cards that wouldn't read, well the balance will be paid...we don't have to live in debt because my husband serves in a job that not only earns him honor for his service but pays the bills and I don't have to worry about where our next meal will come from. Even as I walk away from that paying job I love so much. I am walking into the opportunity to care for and love nearly 800 new additions to the family. And just like family, we may not all like each other, but I will LOVE them even if they decide I am not their favorite flavor. That sweet kitty, well she is 19 years old. We have had 19 years with our girl! This sassy adorable kitty and if I had just leaned into the arms of Christ, I wouldn't have earned the cold shoulder of that once trusted friend.
I felt abandoned by God... (I have abandonment issues up the wazzoo). I realize I can't Star Wars hand wave over my sorrow, hurt feelings, and stress. But I DO know that in my time of need, God never abandoned me. I abandoned HIM. I quit my daily prayer, my gratitude practice, and my trust that He would help me. And even still He stood there, He cared for me through the mercies of many. The borrowed cars, the friend that didn't wait for me to self implode but anticipated my needs and filled them with hugs; sheets and pillows to sleep on and kind and understanding gaze. Another friend who delivered a bottle of wine in the middle of her own crazy running around working mom hubby TDY life. Others who came to walk a nervous puppy and did I mention the friends that bring wine? LOL Women who didn't know me but knelt beside me and prayed for me. A friend who showered me with small gifts of significant encouragement. A woman whose story shakes you to the core embraced me and prayed over me. Yeah... I was dumbfounded too.
I have had this lesson before...I am such a hard-headed chick that I will likely learn this one a few more times over. The lesson is that leaning TOO heavily on a fellow human can break that friendship. Leaning ENOUGH can strengthen it. Trusting in God can help endure it. If I lean first in Him, I don't lose myself in the circumstance so as to lean too much in the fragile embrace of a friend. If I trust in Him, He SENDS the calvary armed with the necessary tools and medicine to weather the storm. He doesn't always calm the storm...sometimes He sends the towels and umbrellas instead.
There are parts of my suffering, you may feel this way too, that are just too heavy for me. The thing is , Jesus knows every single on of my hurts, worries, fears and when I tell Him, He doesn't ignore my excuses and tears, He doesn't tell me that I hurt Him, even though I did. He doesn't remind me that His suffering far outdoes mine, even though it does. He doesn't remind that the wounds He bore on his body were my doing, even though they were. Those marks and tear-stained cheeks are my sins, my shame, my unwillingness to trust and have faith. The agony our Lord endured on that cross, he bore it in place of me, and He does so out of LOVE for ME. Out of LOVE for you...
I tell you this, not that you would carry the burden of shame...but that we can see that our suffering is shared...that Compassion, that sharing in His passion through the heaviness of our situations and sorrow also promises that we will RISE too!!! He did everything, endured everything so that He could be compassionate. That He is the conqueror...the cross matters. YOUR cross matters because it brings us to the day of Resurrection. Lean in. It isn't time to give in to the temptation to quit, it is time to brace yourself...your Simon is coming to help you carry your cross and your day of glory is near. You will bear a few scars and cry a few tears, and we can't comprehend why the burden is what it is...I am sorry about that. I am sorry that loss is so infinitely difficult to bear. We can't expect another human person to bear all the weight of our burdens for us, especially when the weight is too heavy to bear. But that is kind of the point. It isn't your job to carry it all by yourself.
Perspective allows us to open ourselves to receive the help we need to endure, persevere and also walk with others in these dark times. No one WANTS to embrace suffering. No one (sane) asks for sorrow, but we are redeemed. We are not alone and Jesus looks at us in that mess, man that crazy mess, and LOVES us. He REALLY loves. He stands ready to forgive, EAGER even.
Offer your suffering, whatever it is, your no-cappuccino-having day, your dying loved one, your broken heart. Offer it with your screams, tears, bruised knees and knuckles and pour it all out so He can pour in.
Consider this...that you must carry your cross and God will send a Simon to help you...but what if in all your suffering you shift your perspective and realize...
YOU. ARE. SIMON. Your suffering IS you carrying JESUS's cross with him to Calvary. Remember, Calvary ended with Jesus rising again. So, brace yourself...your resurrection is coming...
No. No coffee.
I turn to face my travel companion. She, having just stirred in a little sugar, samples the hot tasty goodness of the apparent LAST cup of coffee gold. So relegating myself to the task of finding some overpriced alternative, I look up in the middle of my search only to see that the man who had been standing behind me walk away with nothing other than a cup of coffee. WTF? Where is Alanis Morissette when you need her?
Digging in my purse I discover that I may have forgotten my coin purse full of the local currency I opt to pay for my 5 Euro half cup of yogurt with blueberries with my VISA. Swipe one...the card won't read. No problem. With determination, I whip out my Mastercard... NOPE on that one too. I stare at the European goddess in front of me behind the cash register wielding all her "its impossible" power. My companion leans over me to the rescue with her 5 Euro bill. GREAT.
These are tiny, seemingly insignificant problems. I am not fool enough to miss that these are first world problems, but this season of my life is so full of these stupid "insignificant" problems that I am overwhelmed and feeling crushed by the weight of it all.
I should mention that my travel companion and I are at the airport flying to ROME for a treat. I know right? "Gag me on the pretentious bullshit. Poor you, you crazy bitch" You may be thinking..."Seriously though, how DARE you cry about your cappuccino not coming through at the flick of the VISA."
Truth is I totally recognize I don't deserve sympathy. But see how I mentioned seemingly in the paragraphs before...I am about to share with you a little more to the story and I do hope, (undeserving as I am) for a little compassion.
Isn't that a strange word? We use it a lot but break it down and really look at it. A SHARED SUFFERING is what that is. The kind of painful suffering that Christ endured in His passion. Okay, okay, my latte is not the torture of the passion but hear me out.
Compassion in shared intense suffering.
What if I told you that after moving an ocean away we are packing up after little more than a year and moving back across the ocean again, making this our 10th move in 18 years? This season has us picking up part and parcel and pulling our kids out of school halfway through the year. One of whom is a senior. Who is already having a hard enough time explaining why he hasn't been picked up for student council president, team captain or any of the other more coveted leadership positions because he hasn't been in one place long enough to compete for those roles...roles he needs because he wants to serve, like his father, but by achieving the great feat of earning a place on the long grey line (the US Military Academy). This is going to be his third high school.
The reason for the move? My hubs is taking his dream job. A job he has prayed for and worked for for years. A job that will have him receiving the ceremonial honor of without us. Because we can't be there as a family. The request to push the date to a time that would have us all there to witness his achievement as a family was denied. The people who had the authority and ability were either unable or unwilling to consider this hardship for us a worthy reason to make the adjustment.
The kids have to complete the daily tasks and coursework in addition to working ahead three full weeks and complete final exams at the same time so that they can complete the semester to put them back on the same calendar as their new counterparts in our new location.
The first "real" job I have had in ages, is one I LOVE. I mean I get so excited when I get to go to work and seeing that the work I love is also contributing financially is one that I have to leave. I have to walk away from this to walk into a space that may see me as wanting, undeserving, unworthy and all with no compensation.
We couldn't seem to find a house that would fit in the area with the "good school".
Our only vehicle has died and while we await the parts for the repairs that keep adding up a routine health check for our beloved kitty has turned into discussions of farewell and ashes instead of which of her favorite toys we should bring and which we should pack.
My cell phone bit the dust and the handy I got has me praying even harder for NO EMERGENCIES because it is more unreliable than finding a payphone in this decade.
I tell you all this, and there is still more. But what I want to share with you is this... Perspective.
I have been crying (like ugly, snotting, eyes bulging and swollen, crying) and suffering and complaining. Because this shit...all of it in one big stinking pile, is tough. Its really freaking hard ya'll. But it is also in HOW we suffer. How we use our suffering, or rather how our suffering is USED. I want to share how brokenness and ugliness and hurt can be seen and carried. Not that this stuff changes...it is still hard and stinky and heavy, but it IS survivable.
I got to the retreat house thinking, okay....let the fun begin... exhale...leave all that crap behind for a few days and just enjoy yourself! You DESERVE to just relax Cass.
One of the first faces I see tightens and the cold coming from that once warm comforting face made me stop and wonder, could I see my breath? I realized in a moment, one of so many recently, that I felt utterly alone, frustrated and confused. Then the memory of our last encounter flooded over me. I remembered that in a moment of sheer panic and sadness and being overwhelmed, I had reach out to her...social media word vomit bile spewed, cried, and complained and then in the middle of the spewage the doorbell rang for the pre-inspection for the moving company interrupted my pea soup and I simply left the conversation hanging there. So confronted with my own sorrow, I realized that in my pain and suffering I couldn't, well, didn't stop to see how big of a mistake that was. I instead, focused thinking that the mistake had been to trust my mess and my hurt to that person. And you might be tempted too now that you know some of the compounding crazy I was dealing with. But we don't know what was on the other side of that screen, do we? I didn't stop to consider what ALL. THAT. was doing to her. Maybe she too was being forced to eat a shit sandwich served to her by life and I just poured shit show gravy all over it and walked away.
The mistake I made wasn't to believe I could trust my sorrow to her, the mistake I made was NOT trusting the person that could truly, deeply and unconditionally love me in spite of myself. JESUS.
I have focused on the pain, which is real. But I looked at it all without realizing that all those problems are coming from places of blessing. Let me explain.
My son has ambition and character and has a dream to service... my other son is kind and sensitive and they both are such good men. It's tough to pull them out of this place but they are up to the challenge. We have had the opportunity of a lifetime to live in amazing places and this one, not once BUT TWICE! That vehicle that is dead, well she is 15 years old! She has lasted long enough to be nearly vintage. Those credit cards that wouldn't read, well the balance will be paid...we don't have to live in debt because my husband serves in a job that not only earns him honor for his service but pays the bills and I don't have to worry about where our next meal will come from. Even as I walk away from that paying job I love so much. I am walking into the opportunity to care for and love nearly 800 new additions to the family. And just like family, we may not all like each other, but I will LOVE them even if they decide I am not their favorite flavor. That sweet kitty, well she is 19 years old. We have had 19 years with our girl! This sassy adorable kitty and if I had just leaned into the arms of Christ, I wouldn't have earned the cold shoulder of that once trusted friend.
I felt abandoned by God... (I have abandonment issues up the wazzoo). I realize I can't Star Wars hand wave over my sorrow, hurt feelings, and stress. But I DO know that in my time of need, God never abandoned me. I abandoned HIM. I quit my daily prayer, my gratitude practice, and my trust that He would help me. And even still He stood there, He cared for me through the mercies of many. The borrowed cars, the friend that didn't wait for me to self implode but anticipated my needs and filled them with hugs; sheets and pillows to sleep on and kind and understanding gaze. Another friend who delivered a bottle of wine in the middle of her own crazy running around working mom hubby TDY life. Others who came to walk a nervous puppy and did I mention the friends that bring wine? LOL Women who didn't know me but knelt beside me and prayed for me. A friend who showered me with small gifts of significant encouragement. A woman whose story shakes you to the core embraced me and prayed over me. Yeah... I was dumbfounded too.
I have had this lesson before...I am such a hard-headed chick that I will likely learn this one a few more times over. The lesson is that leaning TOO heavily on a fellow human can break that friendship. Leaning ENOUGH can strengthen it. Trusting in God can help endure it. If I lean first in Him, I don't lose myself in the circumstance so as to lean too much in the fragile embrace of a friend. If I trust in Him, He SENDS the calvary armed with the necessary tools and medicine to weather the storm. He doesn't always calm the storm...sometimes He sends the towels and umbrellas instead.
There are parts of my suffering, you may feel this way too, that are just too heavy for me. The thing is , Jesus knows every single on of my hurts, worries, fears and when I tell Him, He doesn't ignore my excuses and tears, He doesn't tell me that I hurt Him, even though I did. He doesn't remind me that His suffering far outdoes mine, even though it does. He doesn't remind that the wounds He bore on his body were my doing, even though they were. Those marks and tear-stained cheeks are my sins, my shame, my unwillingness to trust and have faith. The agony our Lord endured on that cross, he bore it in place of me, and He does so out of LOVE for ME. Out of LOVE for you...
I tell you this, not that you would carry the burden of shame...but that we can see that our suffering is shared...that Compassion, that sharing in His passion through the heaviness of our situations and sorrow also promises that we will RISE too!!! He did everything, endured everything so that He could be compassionate. That He is the conqueror...the cross matters. YOUR cross matters because it brings us to the day of Resurrection. Lean in. It isn't time to give in to the temptation to quit, it is time to brace yourself...your Simon is coming to help you carry your cross and your day of glory is near. You will bear a few scars and cry a few tears, and we can't comprehend why the burden is what it is...I am sorry about that. I am sorry that loss is so infinitely difficult to bear. We can't expect another human person to bear all the weight of our burdens for us, especially when the weight is too heavy to bear. But that is kind of the point. It isn't your job to carry it all by yourself.
Perspective allows us to open ourselves to receive the help we need to endure, persevere and also walk with others in these dark times. No one WANTS to embrace suffering. No one (sane) asks for sorrow, but we are redeemed. We are not alone and Jesus looks at us in that mess, man that crazy mess, and LOVES us. He REALLY loves. He stands ready to forgive, EAGER even.
Offer your suffering, whatever it is, your no-cappuccino-having day, your dying loved one, your broken heart. Offer it with your screams, tears, bruised knees and knuckles and pour it all out so He can pour in.
Consider this...that you must carry your cross and God will send a Simon to help you...but what if in all your suffering you shift your perspective and realize...
YOU. ARE. SIMON. Your suffering IS you carrying JESUS's cross with him to Calvary. Remember, Calvary ended with Jesus rising again. So, brace yourself...your resurrection is coming...
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