Trying a New Thing

"Ugh, I. am. SO. FAT. Just DISGUSTING." I tell myself as I try not to look at myself in the mirror. "There is no way my hubby actually finds this attractive.... how could he??" "Effing Hives!" I mutter under my breath as I scratch my legs raw. I grit my teeth as someone gives us the recommendation to eat someplace that has everything except real food and I try in vain to explain why I CAN'T eat that....

Recently, at an event that was designed to pamper and honor us, I got to eat an entire small plate of LETTUCE. Our name tags had our meal choice on it, so I literally walked around with a name tag that said lettuce on it. They say you are what you eat.... in my case there are so many times I feel like, for me, that just means my name tag should say "CAN'T"

I can't lose weight, I can't eat what everyone else eats, I can't feel like the hyper bubbly me that I desperately want to be again because of my adrenal fatigue, I can't do this or that, BE this or that....

Feel sorry for me? Please don't. There was a time that I really wanted that sympathy. I loved it when someone bothered to say, oh...you poor thing!!

But something special is happening to me. After having been "sick" for the last 10 years, I have decided I'm going to be something else. I just celebrated my birthday... and you know what?? For the first time in a long time, I actually CELEBRATED my birthday.

I don't want you to feel sorry for me because I am ready to not feel sorry for myself anymore. I know that there are going to be good days, and there are going to be bad days. I know that I am still going to find myself hitting play on the Shit Self Esteem track in my noggin.... But I am also building an arsenal of better.

Here's what's up. I am going to write and share with you my experience. I am inviting you to come along.

I am taking responsibility for how I got here.

I am releasing those who had a hand in it and forgive us both.

I am focusing on the good stuff, the happy, the blessings.

I am taking on the happiness projects that I so admire.

I am not rejecting the journey I have been on in any way, but I am letting it reveal some badassery that I have been choosing to overlook, stifle and hide. You don't create a blog with the word tempered in it if you don't recognize the forging that has to happen :)

I am leaning in on the mentors, gurus, Saints, loved ones, and on the Sculptor.

God has blessed me so abundantly in so many ways. He gave me a passion for Theology of the Body and what JP2 called Feminine Genius. Which opened the door for me to start to believe that there is more. That I am something more. I have shared this theology with others in talks and retreats and more but the challenge for me has been to LIVE that love every day in the quiet recesses of my own mind. Yeah, thanks to my own messy humanity I fail to live it perfectly and in my brokenness, I tend to throw my hands up and beat myself relentlessly for being SOOO imperfect.... silly me.

That's kind of the point isn't it??? None of us is perfect but each day working toward being a little better is totally reasonable. It's attainable and it's better when we do that together....

Somewhere along the way, I got it all muddled. God asked me to love Him above all things, to love my neighbor as myself and to love my enemies.... that all makes sense... it's not easy but it makes sense...unless for some reason I get it twisted and start believing that my body is the enemy, that food is the enemy, and that I am irredeemable. Twisted it is. And I am have decided I am doing something new. I am going to let love pour into me and not turn that tap off. I am going to be doing a number of things for myself and for my family...

I am reading and interacting with amazing resources to re-write the script in my cells, head, and heart.

Scripture. That writing is already written on my heart, I am gonna spend more time unpacking it.

My friend Beth(functional nutritionist, wifey, mama and Bad Ass)'s new program Peace with Food and Soul.

My friend Cheri's kind encouragement through the Faster Way to Fat Loss Program.

Daily devotions, meditation, play, podcasts like Gretchen Rubin's Happier and Dax Shepherd's Arm Chair Expert. Reading stuff like Matthew Kelly's Rhythm of Life and Gretchen's Better than Before..... Cheering on so many of those people who rock their game and more....

So I will do my best to post once a week. I will be candid, I will be raw, and I hope that in some small way God blesses us both for it.

#livingjoyfully
#temperedcass


Isaiah 43:19