Cass out of the Bag
My friend Christina once told me that as the passionate person I am, I have really high highs and really low lows.... It's funny how when things like that are said out of love they stick with you.
I had perceived that one of the WORST things as a woman to be called was "sensitive". Which of course I had been called on many occasions.... I have also been called too "hard". I think being described as TOO anything is enough to send the jaw into a firm clench right?
Okay, well unless its something like, "DaAAYYYYUUmn Cass, you are just TOO awesome, cute, sexy, amazeballs...." Yeah, so those TOOs are just fine by me... But if we want to get honest, to call it like it is...the truth isn't exactly all the fun stuff.
The whole sensitive thing still has a little bitter taste to it, but I am learning to embrace it. More on that in later posts.
This week my "New Thing" journey has me peeking around the corner and reluctant to come face to face with the more honest things about myself. I don't know about you, but since I do tend to swing from high to low, it also means that I oscillate between hyper positive and catastrophizing... We call it Casstastophizing... :) I started out like a lion... I was legit like Rocky bouncing around gloves up protecting my face... the kitten approaching the bag with super cute curiosity...just KNOWING I got this....
And then....
Suddenly I got punched in the proverbial face and trapped in that bag.... I am freaking the frick out.... Like what the heck???
So many people probably feel like that right now with the pandemic...COVID 19 for most of us in the USA was like a slow-motion right hook coming or the animal control net...we see it...there it is.... and even though we throw our hands up to block or hunch our little backs up and make a hissing sound...suddenly it's wrecked us.
Some people have been laid off from their jobs... (I miss my job but the life of this MilSpo means that I am usually without a paid position so I empathize but am so blessed to be a position that we are comfortable on my Soldier's income).
Some are physically separated from family. I was listening to Dax Shepherd's Arm Chair Expert with his interview with Dr. Sanjay Gupta and the Doctor shared about an ER doc who is living in his garage and can't hold his babies, one of which is a 4 week old newborn and there is no definitive end date so who knows how long they will live that way.... (check out the episode here: ) That is a gut check for sure.
In the most severe cases, some souls are tragically dying alone. My friend Hillary sent me a message inviting us to pray the Chaplet of Divine Mercy every day (we will be doing that at 3PM) so that no one, though physically alone, will not leave this world unaccompanied spiritually. My favorite one is in the link.
I digress....sort of. You see, the mess that ensued for me this week was totally NOT like the suffering of so many at this time. No one in our immediate family has been seriously effected... in fact, I get more time with my babies before my oldest leaves for college in June.... I am enjoying sleeping in as late as I need to, and I have been laughing more every day in the presence of these super cool kids of mine....a major blessing.
My crazy was all the pendulum swinging right into self-loathing. Those low lows we mentioned in the beginning. And the sucker punch was me beating my own self up. Here's what happened....
My friend Cheri, my Faster Way to Fat Loss coach said, "Cass, your calories are WAY too low. You need to bump those up, my friend!" I was already not meeting the macro and calorie goals and now she was asking me to INCREASE them by 500 calories....
The old "wisdom" of eat less, move more is part of why I ended up in this situation. (Remember I said I was gonna start taking responsibility?) I when I WASN'T overweight, I constantly thought I was. I would under eat and move so much that eventually, my body stopped trusting me to take care of it. So now it gives me the middle finger every time I eat something. It say's "thanks B-word, gonna put that Sh*t away for a rainy day..." Okay, it's more complicated than that but just for oversimplification's sake, we will go with that.
In my Peace with Food and Soul course designed by my friend Beth, she challenged me to sign this contract.... an agreement.... You want to know the truth? I was totally down, I read that piece of paper and got all teary...that is the person I totally want to be....hells yeah! But you know what ended up happening? I choked.
I printed it out, I filed it away in my head.... I think about that agreement every day.... but I don't want to fail so I don't actually sign it.....
She also asked us to pay attention to our moods and how diversified our plates are.... No dieting, no judgment.... Just nurture yourself and notice things...I guess what I learned this week is that conquering the no self-judgment piece is the hardest thing for me right now.
Everything I put in my mouth comes with a voice, it comes with a story and I am judging the hell out of myself.... So bumping up those calories and the judge's voice together, have been a major factor in my freak out.
As promised though, I am totally owning up....
I am signing that agreement.....hold on.....Like, RIGHT NOW.....
And I am keeping my promise that I will rock this happiness project... and this was the encouragement I got today to do just that...
The
I got a message Listen to Sanjay Gupta on COVID-19 from Armchair Expert with D
I had perceived that one of the WORST things as a woman to be called was "sensitive". Which of course I had been called on many occasions.... I have also been called too "hard". I think being described as TOO anything is enough to send the jaw into a firm clench right?
Okay, well unless its something like, "DaAAYYYYUUmn Cass, you are just TOO awesome, cute, sexy, amazeballs...." Yeah, so those TOOs are just fine by me... But if we want to get honest, to call it like it is...the truth isn't exactly all the fun stuff.
The whole sensitive thing still has a little bitter taste to it, but I am learning to embrace it. More on that in later posts.
This week my "New Thing" journey has me peeking around the corner and reluctant to come face to face with the more honest things about myself. I don't know about you, but since I do tend to swing from high to low, it also means that I oscillate between hyper positive and catastrophizing... We call it Casstastophizing... :) I started out like a lion... I was legit like Rocky bouncing around gloves up protecting my face... the kitten approaching the bag with super cute curiosity...just KNOWING I got this....
And then....
Suddenly I got punched in the proverbial face and trapped in that bag.... I am freaking the frick out.... Like what the heck???
So many people probably feel like that right now with the pandemic...COVID 19 for most of us in the USA was like a slow-motion right hook coming or the animal control net...we see it...there it is.... and even though we throw our hands up to block or hunch our little backs up and make a hissing sound...suddenly it's wrecked us.
Some people have been laid off from their jobs... (I miss my job but the life of this MilSpo means that I am usually without a paid position so I empathize but am so blessed to be a position that we are comfortable on my Soldier's income).
Some are physically separated from family. I was listening to Dax Shepherd's Arm Chair Expert with his interview with Dr. Sanjay Gupta and the Doctor shared about an ER doc who is living in his garage and can't hold his babies, one of which is a 4 week old newborn and there is no definitive end date so who knows how long they will live that way.... (check out the episode here: ) That is a gut check for sure.
In the most severe cases, some souls are tragically dying alone. My friend Hillary sent me a message inviting us to pray the Chaplet of Divine Mercy every day (we will be doing that at 3PM) so that no one, though physically alone, will not leave this world unaccompanied spiritually. My favorite one is in the link.
I digress....sort of. You see, the mess that ensued for me this week was totally NOT like the suffering of so many at this time. No one in our immediate family has been seriously effected... in fact, I get more time with my babies before my oldest leaves for college in June.... I am enjoying sleeping in as late as I need to, and I have been laughing more every day in the presence of these super cool kids of mine....a major blessing.
My crazy was all the pendulum swinging right into self-loathing. Those low lows we mentioned in the beginning. And the sucker punch was me beating my own self up. Here's what happened....
My friend Cheri, my Faster Way to Fat Loss coach said, "Cass, your calories are WAY too low. You need to bump those up, my friend!" I was already not meeting the macro and calorie goals and now she was asking me to INCREASE them by 500 calories....
The old "wisdom" of eat less, move more is part of why I ended up in this situation. (Remember I said I was gonna start taking responsibility?) I when I WASN'T overweight, I constantly thought I was. I would under eat and move so much that eventually, my body stopped trusting me to take care of it. So now it gives me the middle finger every time I eat something. It say's "thanks B-word, gonna put that Sh*t away for a rainy day..." Okay, it's more complicated than that but just for oversimplification's sake, we will go with that.
In my Peace with Food and Soul course designed by my friend Beth, she challenged me to sign this contract.... an agreement.... You want to know the truth? I was totally down, I read that piece of paper and got all teary...that is the person I totally want to be....hells yeah! But you know what ended up happening? I choked.
I printed it out, I filed it away in my head.... I think about that agreement every day.... but I don't want to fail so I don't actually sign it.....
She also asked us to pay attention to our moods and how diversified our plates are.... No dieting, no judgment.... Just nurture yourself and notice things...I guess what I learned this week is that conquering the no self-judgment piece is the hardest thing for me right now.
Everything I put in my mouth comes with a voice, it comes with a story and I am judging the hell out of myself.... So bumping up those calories and the judge's voice together, have been a major factor in my freak out.
As promised though, I am totally owning up....
I am signing that agreement.....hold on.....Like, RIGHT NOW.....
And I am keeping my promise that I will rock this happiness project... and this was the encouragement I got today to do just that...
Here is why this is so important... there is a part of that agreement that requires me to look in the mirror with gratitude at least once a day..... that is the part that had me wavering....When I get dressed I LOATHE looking at myself. My heart breaks a little every time I dress myself. It's not as bad as it was years ago...there was a time when I would hide in the closet and dress in the dark so that my husband wouldn't accidentally see me....
To follow that gratitude piece while looking at myself feels a bit like lying....one of the things I abhor most about others is lying.
So when I have to find something to be grateful for, and I can't....I just decide...I won't do it. I want to hide instead but here's the deal....THIS IS IMPORTANT.
If I want to learn to be HAPPY, to be a fierce, self-respecting AWESOME woman.... that means that I HAVE to believe that is true...and I can't get there unless I practice. So I am not looking at these positive self-affirmations as LIES any more....
The lies aren't mine anyway...they are the enemy's.
The truth is in the affirmations, in the journey, in the forgiveness and responsibility....I just have to practice them, practice BELIEVING them, and one day I will....
So my friends, that panicked manic Cass writhing around in the bag has been let out. (This week anyway...lol) Bring it.
Are you also on a journey like this? How was your week??
The
I got a message Listen to Sanjay Gupta on COVID-19 from Armchair Expert with D
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