Just Breathe
So if you have met me, or heard of me, or read a little of my writing you might gather that I am a bit....distractable? All over the place? Um, scattered?
My BFF in high school used to say that I didn't walk anywhere, I scurried. The poor dear must be a saint because she is one of my closest friends to this day... She has withstood years of my inability to fully focus and the incessant bounce from one thought, one conversation, one thing to another. I love you, Terisa.
I have been told I write like I talk...in big sweeping stories that MAY eventually land on my original thought...try to stay with me :)
The truth is, I kind of live that way too and have for a very very long time. Last week, I talked about how COVID-19 has brought in the lovely and somewhat challenging simplicity of life that halts all "non-essential" tasks and opens all the windows of my soul to bare both my apple-pie-on-the-sill emotions as well as those ones that are filled with the putrid spoiled-milk-in-the-sippy-cup-found-under-the-seat-in-the-car-some-summer-after-your-kids-are-long-past-sippy-cup-age feelings....
You might think, DO NOT OPEN that sippy cup!!! Wouldn't it just be easier to throw it out? No one even needs it anyway, the kids are big... there are no grandbabies on the horizon just yet... (Seriously though boys, I'll still be a super cute young grandma in a few more, say 10, years...No Rush). Also...you're welcome Ma, you'll still be a ridiculously young GG.
Just in case I took you on a ride to no-where land, what I am alluding to is the putrid milk yuck is some of my pent up nasty wounds, memories, consequences, emotions, thoughts etc.
God (as I know Him and He knows me) or the universe or the cosmic energy...however you know Him, really gets my all-over-the-placeness and I imagine He cocks his head and makes a little tsk tsk sound and smiles a little and then sends me a message... over and over and over and over again lest I miss His intentions in my lack of attention.
This week it was this simple note (in a three-parter).... Just Breathe. Find Gratitude. Have Faith in Hope. (Anyone else suddenly channel your inner 90's diva and want to belt out Breathe by Faith Hill?)
I wanted to just throw the sippy cup (my yuck) out, I even asked Beth and the ladies in the Peace with Food and Soul Inner Circle group (those fabulous women who are doing the program with me) if it would be enough to just sort of nod to the reality that there are icky things in my mind and heart and just keep on a steppin' into the totally better future.
Here's the thing, as a whole person... I AM. I am Cass because of and in some cases in spite of past experiences, I AM because I exist here, NOW in the present awesomeness and sometimes not so fab, and I am because I have faith and hope in a future of better.
What I think I am learning is that BEFORE, I had been chasing perfection, a destination, a diagnosis, a fix, a cure. The thing is, that isn't really totally attainable is it?? And it is just exhausting. I can't just flit from thing to thing, thought to thought, and I can't live in the past or the future either.
In this week's module, Beth describes how distraction and stress (real and perceived) can cause some adverse effects on our health, digestion, etc... She calls one of the lessons the Relaxation Cure.
Did you just snort and think, Yeah right!! RELAX? Relaxing is for the lazy, the unsuccessful, "I'll sleep when I am dead" am I right? Well, my friend, I am not sorry to tell you, the rest, the relaxation is not only a GIFT, but it is also NECESSARY to ever fully actualize your success. That doesn't mean you can't be successful and a stress pot. (Paris from Gilmore Girls anyone?)
But the truth is you just might not ever taste the sweetness of that success because you are too busy to notice how good it is.
I told my #hothubby the other day, I am feeling all kinds of feels. I am so sad for all those people suffering so much right now. People losing loved ones, people dying alone, people who have lost their enitre life's work, people stuck at home with abusive family members and no reprieve, lots to be sad about but I am also SO INSANELY HAPPY.
My boy just announced he will be accepting his appointment to the United States Military Academy at West Point. Which means my fantasy of setting up dorm rooms and laundry basket filled weekend visits are a no go. It means that this organization that has given us so much and led to intense sacrifice is the organization that will take my baby boy and bring out the best and worst in him as he strives to become the hero God designed him to be.
That sounds like I am sad though, the truth is because of COVID-19 I have had a few more weeks than I would have had to watch my boys hang out, confide in each other. I have had these last few weeks to watch him grow a beard and have them compare their muscle gains. I have had long walks daily listening to the heart of the young man that stole mine 18 years ago. I have laughed at silly jokes, refereed silly arguments, and hugged them. I am getting to savour the time with my babies. I get a second chance to really soak it up.
I am so happy because that scurrying me of the past was obsessed with qualifying her worth with DOING. With ACHIEVING. With everything OTHER THAN relaxing. I thought that if I DID something of value, then I would HAVE value...So much so that while in pursuit of my Bachelor's Degree, I coordinated the taking of one my finals the DAY AFTER I gave birth to our youngest son. I even had to talk the hospital staff to release me before they wanted to because I "got this".
In some ways, one might say, Damn! That is some BadASSERY right there!
Okay, maybe a little. But its also a little insane... What in the end is more important? Holding the miracle of our love in my arms and gazing at the hazel eyed wonder, hugging my oldest so that he knows that he rocks and is still my guy no matter what, relaxing into the wonder and awe of motherhood? Yeah... That would have been more fitting and frankly more fulfilling.
I am proud of my degree and I got it against a lot of odds. I am a fighter, which is awesome.... but was it really the time for that fight? Nope. I haven't really been able to work in my field because as a MilSpo my talents were needed elsewhere and 99% of the time without a paycheck. And again, is that really what I would be so glad for today??? Nope, I am glad for giggles, and just a little more time soaking up who my amazing boys are. I spent so much of their littledom working on BEING something....well else... chasing what I thought would prove that I had some value and wasn't a wasted pile of flesh. I did cherish the time they were little but I didn't FULLY until now. Now that I have been given the gift of a little more time.
The jest of the Relaxation Cure is to BREATHE. It's so simple it makes you type A personalities and perfectionists like me think...WOW what a friggin' revolutionary idea insert rolling eye emojii. But the truth is, it has been changing my life little by little since I included meditation and mindfulness into my life through Dan Harris' 10% Happier, Gretchen's Happiness Project, and Depak and Oprah's Free 21 Day Meditations.
Who knew? The simple act of focusing on my breath would help me to digest my food, begin to heal my immune system, help me to hop off of the crazy thought train to create better, healthier, neuropathways and then find gratitude and feel the hope that better is coming all in one little exercise that I can do many times a day.
So I mentioned that God is great at the persistence thing...let me demonstrate....
My BFF in high school used to say that I didn't walk anywhere, I scurried. The poor dear must be a saint because she is one of my closest friends to this day... She has withstood years of my inability to fully focus and the incessant bounce from one thought, one conversation, one thing to another. I love you, Terisa.
I have been told I write like I talk...in big sweeping stories that MAY eventually land on my original thought...try to stay with me :)
The truth is, I kind of live that way too and have for a very very long time. Last week, I talked about how COVID-19 has brought in the lovely and somewhat challenging simplicity of life that halts all "non-essential" tasks and opens all the windows of my soul to bare both my apple-pie-on-the-sill emotions as well as those ones that are filled with the putrid spoiled-milk-in-the-sippy-cup-found-under-the-seat-in-the-car-some-summer-after-your-kids-are-long-past-sippy-cup-age feelings....
You might think, DO NOT OPEN that sippy cup!!! Wouldn't it just be easier to throw it out? No one even needs it anyway, the kids are big... there are no grandbabies on the horizon just yet... (Seriously though boys, I'll still be a super cute young grandma in a few more, say 10, years...No Rush). Also...you're welcome Ma, you'll still be a ridiculously young GG.
Just in case I took you on a ride to no-where land, what I am alluding to is the putrid milk yuck is some of my pent up nasty wounds, memories, consequences, emotions, thoughts etc.
God (as I know Him and He knows me) or the universe or the cosmic energy...however you know Him, really gets my all-over-the-placeness and I imagine He cocks his head and makes a little tsk tsk sound and smiles a little and then sends me a message... over and over and over and over again lest I miss His intentions in my lack of attention.
This week it was this simple note (in a three-parter).... Just Breathe. Find Gratitude. Have Faith in Hope. (Anyone else suddenly channel your inner 90's diva and want to belt out Breathe by Faith Hill?)
I wanted to just throw the sippy cup (my yuck) out, I even asked Beth and the ladies in the Peace with Food and Soul Inner Circle group (those fabulous women who are doing the program with me) if it would be enough to just sort of nod to the reality that there are icky things in my mind and heart and just keep on a steppin' into the totally better future.
Here's the thing, as a whole person... I AM. I am Cass because of and in some cases in spite of past experiences, I AM because I exist here, NOW in the present awesomeness and sometimes not so fab, and I am because I have faith and hope in a future of better.
What I think I am learning is that BEFORE, I had been chasing perfection, a destination, a diagnosis, a fix, a cure. The thing is, that isn't really totally attainable is it?? And it is just exhausting. I can't just flit from thing to thing, thought to thought, and I can't live in the past or the future either.
In this week's module, Beth describes how distraction and stress (real and perceived) can cause some adverse effects on our health, digestion, etc... She calls one of the lessons the Relaxation Cure.
Did you just snort and think, Yeah right!! RELAX? Relaxing is for the lazy, the unsuccessful, "I'll sleep when I am dead" am I right? Well, my friend, I am not sorry to tell you, the rest, the relaxation is not only a GIFT, but it is also NECESSARY to ever fully actualize your success. That doesn't mean you can't be successful and a stress pot. (Paris from Gilmore Girls anyone?)
But the truth is you just might not ever taste the sweetness of that success because you are too busy to notice how good it is.
I told my #hothubby the other day, I am feeling all kinds of feels. I am so sad for all those people suffering so much right now. People losing loved ones, people dying alone, people who have lost their enitre life's work, people stuck at home with abusive family members and no reprieve, lots to be sad about but I am also SO INSANELY HAPPY.
My boy just announced he will be accepting his appointment to the United States Military Academy at West Point. Which means my fantasy of setting up dorm rooms and laundry basket filled weekend visits are a no go. It means that this organization that has given us so much and led to intense sacrifice is the organization that will take my baby boy and bring out the best and worst in him as he strives to become the hero God designed him to be.
That sounds like I am sad though, the truth is because of COVID-19 I have had a few more weeks than I would have had to watch my boys hang out, confide in each other. I have had these last few weeks to watch him grow a beard and have them compare their muscle gains. I have had long walks daily listening to the heart of the young man that stole mine 18 years ago. I have laughed at silly jokes, refereed silly arguments, and hugged them. I am getting to savour the time with my babies. I get a second chance to really soak it up.
I am so happy because that scurrying me of the past was obsessed with qualifying her worth with DOING. With ACHIEVING. With everything OTHER THAN relaxing. I thought that if I DID something of value, then I would HAVE value...So much so that while in pursuit of my Bachelor's Degree, I coordinated the taking of one my finals the DAY AFTER I gave birth to our youngest son. I even had to talk the hospital staff to release me before they wanted to because I "got this".
In some ways, one might say, Damn! That is some BadASSERY right there!
Okay, maybe a little. But its also a little insane... What in the end is more important? Holding the miracle of our love in my arms and gazing at the hazel eyed wonder, hugging my oldest so that he knows that he rocks and is still my guy no matter what, relaxing into the wonder and awe of motherhood? Yeah... That would have been more fitting and frankly more fulfilling.
I am proud of my degree and I got it against a lot of odds. I am a fighter, which is awesome.... but was it really the time for that fight? Nope. I haven't really been able to work in my field because as a MilSpo my talents were needed elsewhere and 99% of the time without a paycheck. And again, is that really what I would be so glad for today??? Nope, I am glad for giggles, and just a little more time soaking up who my amazing boys are. I spent so much of their littledom working on BEING something....well else... chasing what I thought would prove that I had some value and wasn't a wasted pile of flesh. I did cherish the time they were little but I didn't FULLY until now. Now that I have been given the gift of a little more time.
The jest of the Relaxation Cure is to BREATHE. It's so simple it makes you type A personalities and perfectionists like me think...WOW what a friggin' revolutionary idea insert rolling eye emojii. But the truth is, it has been changing my life little by little since I included meditation and mindfulness into my life through Dan Harris' 10% Happier, Gretchen's Happiness Project, and Depak and Oprah's Free 21 Day Meditations.
Who knew? The simple act of focusing on my breath would help me to digest my food, begin to heal my immune system, help me to hop off of the crazy thought train to create better, healthier, neuropathways and then find gratitude and feel the hope that better is coming all in one little exercise that I can do many times a day.
So I mentioned that God is great at the persistence thing...let me demonstrate....
- In the Peace with Food and Soul Module - I learned a BREATHING technique important for digestion and bringing the body into the parasympathetic for optimal healing and more.
- Mary Lenaburg, author of "Be Brave in the Scared" spoke to us about BREATHING and showing up for ourselves in little ways- finding GRATITUDE helps is to remember that its in the BEING that we can focus on the business of DOING and doing it well... (huh there's another 90s song...I'll let you guess it).
- Three of the Virtual Catholic Conference Speakers talked about BREATHING and just BEING, considering what I am THANKFUL for and HOPE that negative paradigms can be changed, redeemed, and HOPE that I can be a participant the masterpiece of my own creation.
- Side note, you MUST check out Stacey Sumereau- this chick will be one of my new BFFs someday..she just doesn't know it yet... She referenced the great work of Jill Bolte Taylor a TED talk that I had heard the same year I met Beth.
- The FasterWay to Fat Loss peeps talked about how important it is to BREATHE for metabolic health...
- We plugged into the Life Teen Virtual Life Night @LifeTeen and they spoke about the Theological virtue of HOPE.
- Today I read two different things about the power and importance of mindfulness and the BREATH and heard in Andy Frisela's podcast about GRATITUDE...
Okay, so get the picture? I sure did. Holy Moly.
And it is no coincidence that one of the scriptures I use in my Theology of the Body teaching is this account from genesis...
Genesis 2:7 "then the Lord God formed the man out of the dust of the ground and blew into his nostrils the breath of life, and the man became a living being."
It reminds me of a cultural practice I learned about in Hawaii that is one of the most beautiful things I have ever seen. There is a performance you can see on Oahu when things like that are back up and running that blows my humble attempt to explain it out of the water.... it is called Ha Breath of Life. There is a mark above the a for proper Polynesian spelling.
Essentially, this breath that God breathes into our nostrils is passed on from one another in an endless display of love, generosity, and knowing. The recognition of this breath, the sacred quality of it and the dignity of the person who carries it in their lungs is honored when one person places their forehead on the forehead of the person they are greeting. They are close enough that the breath is shared in a sort of spiritual kiss.
In this clip from Disney's Moana, you can see it when Moana gives Te Fiti her heart back... I have even heard this scene being described that Moana is Jesus and we are Te Fiti, caught up in our heartbreak, our crazy, our fury even, and Jesus reminds us with that breath that was gifted us, he holds our heart and gives it to us, he never stops knowing and loving us, even when we might forget ourselves.
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| Image found from SCJSisters.wordpress.com |
I imagine the way it felt to place my face so close to my babies' faces when they were infants, the way it felt when my husband held my face in his hands before our wedding kiss, the way it feels to rest in a love so powerful it makes me wonder, how could I ever find myself doubting or being so busy that I don't marvel in its existence? It's MINE-ness.
And yet as a person, a human, in all my messiness and tendencies to hurry and stress I forget. So this breathing technique is simple, but it is powerful. It brings me back to the center of my BEING. It is from that place that I know I can deal with the past stuffs which I must, I can BE in this precious moment and handle the stress that comes with it, and hope in the future that finds me at my best.
Hopefully, you got to the end and didn't think TLDR.
Here's hoping you stop and BREATHE, Find GRATITUDE, and trust in HOPE this week, my friends.
Absolutely. Gratitude and hope. I call this pure providence that I discovered this blog while searching for encouragement this morning. We all just need to breathe!! this is so amazing, and made my heart lift when I read it. Your life and family sounds beautiful. And congratulations to your son on getting the appointment!! Our world needs more heroes in the military.
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