Bad Catholic?

My youngest son Joe turned to me and whispered "Mom, are you a bad Catholic?" we both giggled a little-  hopefully as quietly and discreetly as possible since we were nearing the end of the Nicene Creed. 

"Yes, Yes I am." I whispered back as we took our seats. 

That is the truth. 

I am a bad Catholic. 

In so far as I am not a perfect Catholic. 

I get it wrong sometimes. I stumble over the prayers like on this particular day, a prayer I have prayed pretty much every Sunday and multiple rosaries for the better part of going on three decades (of life not three decades of the rosary). 

While we are on the subject; I consecrated myself to Jesus through Mary. As part of the commitment to God through the brown scapular I wear, I committed to pray the rosary every day.... 

I don't. I forget. I fall asleep. I make excuses. I blame others for "distracting me" or using up the time I should be doing it. 

Sometimes I drink too much (I am a cheap date so too much is really easy to get to). I don't get sloppy or dangerous and I don't drive after having alcohol, but I can cross the line from temperance to indulgence.

I often eat what I shouldn't. I skip workouts, I binge Netflix.

My face betrays my inner dialogue more often than it should. That inner dialogue is more often not the kind of saintly compassion and love that it should be, especially for myself or those I love the most and am closest to. 

C.S. Lewis was really on to something about the interference of evil and the utter lacking of awareness we as humans are prey to.

In his book The Screwtape Letters, he speaks of one such situation between a mother and her son whom is the young demon's aim, "when two humans have lived together for many years...of course never let him suspect that he has tones and looks which similarly annoy her. As he cannot see or hear himself, this is easily managed"

I read this chapter just after my husband had asked me why I was giving him side eye. That particular moment I was just lost in thought, and had not been thinking of anything derogatory. Though being perfectly honest here, as I mentioned - I am not, NOT guilty of that at other times. 

My response to him was "Was I? I guess I don't know what my face is doing! Can't be helped...this is my face."

And we laughed. It was a fun moment but when I actually am irritable, and my face broadcasts my worry, frustration, hurt and lack of peace..It has an effect on those around me. A fact that recently came to my attention in a most disturbing and painful way. Though that moment isn't the primary topic of this story today, it further proves my point that us Catholics...well....we are called to live and love in the image and likeness of God just as we were lovingly created to do....but often fall quite short.

Furthermore, we... and I will speak for myself here... make excuses, I absolve myself when I really need to let the Lord do that, and often beat myself up long after is permitted.

And pride, OH man do I suffer from pride and the sins therein.

Striving for humility and finding myself oscillating between my attempts to believe in my own strength, capabilities and qualities and then total self abhorrence.

I say all that, to say this....

In the end, it really isn't about me at all though is it? You may see me... and am truly sorry if when you see me, you find me on a bad Catholic kind of day....but the truth is....

IT'S ABOUT HIM.

That He, knowing me...my ingratitude, my unkind, unforgiving, unholy self...He still suffered and died for me. He calls me to higher purpose and at the same time patiently knows I will often fail. 

My messiness isn't a surprise to the One who knew me, created me, breathed His life in my lungs and walks with me through all of it. He isn't surprised by either my wretchedness or my greatness. 

I learn and re-learn that I am nothing without Him. He has so much love for me that He keeps calling me to conversion. 

And I will choose to keep showing up.

I don't know if it will be the 101st time that I lay these broken pieces at the cross, the millionth time of having been hurt by others, the umpteenth time of putting my trust in those who clearly are as broken as I am just in their own ways, or the whatever other obscene number word reference of times of getting in my own way...but I trust that He has redeemed me and the world. His timing just has yet to be revealed to me.

 "Take up my cause and redeem me; for the sake of your promise give me life." Psalms 119:154

And to you.

So if you are feeling a little unworthy, a little broken, a little whatever it is, you belong here. "For you have been called for this purpose, because Christ also suffered for you, leaving you an example, so that you would follow in his steps," 1Peter 2:21

We are in good company. My encouragement....Don't spend too much time, of which we have precious little, expecting to find perfect examples of holiness in ourselves and each other and consequently finding ourselves disillusioned and disappointed. (Though to caveat... the Saints are a pretty great place to find some real inspiration) 

We need really only look to HIM. 

I am sure many could count even more ways I am not up to par... but it isn't about me. 

The Catholic Church, though we wish it were full to the brim of pure unencumbered souls, exemplifying sainthood; it is kind of like a union station for sinners to get back on the right train over and over again. God knows where each of us has been and where we are headed.

Just like you, He has a reserved spot for me, even though I am kind of a bad Catholic.

Next stop, Heaven.