IF ONLY

IF ONLY

If only my soul and my mind would remember together that each of these trials are beautiful and merciful gifts that you will use to deliver me from a life long separation. My heart aches, and so my challenges are reacted to with the fiery temper housed within my breast so full of anger and pride that it is like ravenous beast gnawing at the opportunity to be released. They are met with irritation and still among the rage within me, I find in my age the urge to fight as result is being replaced with near obsessive longings to flee. I yearn to run away at times, to be in far away places where no one demands that this problem (a problem most often they created themselves) be fixed immediately. Where the sounds I hear are of sweet birds and laughter and either the rustle of aspens or waves breaking on the deep sea. Where the feeling on my skin is only the gentle kiss of the sun and cool breeze and the tender affection of my kind, patient and strong husband and even the soft grasp of my hand by my children.

If only I would remember that my love for those whom I have the most intense affection for is all because of you. That my entire capacity for love and joy is only borrowed from the one who created it and that as deep as that sea, deeper still is your love for me.

If only I could embrace these problems (knowing logically of course that they are nothing compared to the sufferings of those who hunger, thirst, or are deprived of basic necessities and especially that of the cross) with the joy of a child learning and accomplishing a new feat. Or seeing that the thing they have been given is a gift, even if wrapped imperfectly, the uses of the gift are limitless and designed to bring a smile to the face of the person who yields it and those who share in or observe it.

If only I could remember from this very moment the immeasurable hope I have in the peace and delight you promise for me. If I could reject my emotional fluidity or espouse it in a meaningful and beneficial way, if I could put on this remembrance so then with grace and gentleness I will live above reproach, even and especially when I am called upon to pick up my own or someone else's mess. Help me to trust in your mercy, help me to trust in the ability that you gave me to continue. Help me to shed the darkness that surely dampens my light but do it Lord that I might shed it at the very last moment, that like St. Therese I will have endured enough to be a martyr of love.

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