What I'd Say

WHAT I'D SAY

If I could take my doctors to lunch

Recently, I met with my current Primary Care Physician (PCP). I felt while I was there that this time was pretty different from the last two times. 

The last two times I felt that he had seemed to listen, care about my experience, and was willing to join me in figuring out what was happening with my health... 

But this time...

He seemed a little agitated, Probably a stressful day, I thought.

He didn't seem to have the same level of attention and was a lot less interested in what I had to say. 

All in all I left there just feeling like it wasn't quite right and I didn't love the next steps he was feeling we should take to find out what was up with my body... but in the end, after explaining that I was nervous (he wanted me to stop taking my Armour thyroid medication to "see what happens" when I am not on it because "it isn't as safe or effective as synthetic") I did follow his directions. He is the expert, right?

Since I first walked in the doctors office in 2012 with my concerns (at that time I was a petite little thing, young mom, active...) That doctor told me "You're a mom of two young boys and an Army Spouse. You are getting older and I am sure you have some stress so of course you are a little tired..." 

Friends, I was 24 years old. And I wasn't a "little tired". I was sleeping CONSTANTLY. I couldn't keep my eyes open. I had to rest in the middle of doing dishes. 

They rolled their eyes and ran the blood work stuffs. All "normal". After a little while my hubby said I really needed to go back...I was waking up long enough to help the kids get ready for school, walk the boys to the bus stop and climb back in bed until it was time to get them from the bus at the end of the school day. 

I would help with homework, make dinner and before the table could be cleared I was heading back to bed. 

"You're getting older" "chronic fatigue is vague but some people have it" 

After pushing extra hard yet another doctor finally ordered the Thyroid antibody test... apparently I did have those....even though my TSH was "normal". 

Listen, EVERY time I go to the conventional doc (I have lost count of the doctors I have seen because of our many moves and endless search to learn what is going on) even if they start out feigning like they are interested... they all end up telling me that what I am experiencing is either "impossible" because this block must be checked in order for this to match the experience.... but I don't fit in your precious little box. OR they simply throw their hands up and say well, everything is normal...so....?? 

And now I am worse than ever....but the weight seems to finally match what they expect. So there is that I guess?

Overweight people have inflammatory markers, high cholesterol, pain, fatigue etc...And the doctors' general consensus is people get overweight because they are lazy, eat too much and move too little. 

I had begun to notice that I was not able to maintain my weight which was interesting because I had adopted the no processed foods mentality and was loving my crossfit community. 

I was told it was normal......I was up a few pounds but really not too bad.... considering I was in the "normal" healthy weight and BMI....

I was 137 pounds....by 2015 I was 140, then 2016 I was 150. 

2017: 155. 

2018: 162 

2019: 163

2020: 173. 

Currently I am sitting at 182. Still tired, still confused, still doing all the things that they say I should be doing....I swapped Crossfit for daily long walks, conventional weight lifting, yoga, and free Zumba videos because of the fatigue....

Now I hear, "I gained the COVID weight too...It's hard to lose when you are almost 40".... blah blah blah

The breaking point for me was reading my after visit notes from my PCP.  Friends, if you don't read these YOU MUST!!

I noticed that in the notes he indicated that my appearance was "obese" and that as a result of my high cholesterol and weight he recommended to me to "begin exercising and reducing caloric intake especially fatty foods". 

I was flabbergasted.... What brought me in to see him in the first place was that I was doing the things...I was healthy, active, etc.

I outlined my regimen at my first appointment because I was feeling so defeated by the burden of my body. I remember that conversation because he expressed his lament at not getting as much time on his precious peloton since COVID hit..... 

I messaged the doctor through my fancy health care app to explain my hurt and frustration with his notes especially since following all the health protocols has not yielded the results they promise. 

His nurse wrote back, and said, "I am sorry you are frustrated. Patients are first." and in the same breath said, "what exactly do you want from the doctor? That he change your chart to reflect that you do exercise and eat a healthy diet? There is no guarantee he will change it." 

Ah, thank you dear nurse for demonstrating what patient first care looks like...SMH

Suffice it to say I wrote a lengthy reply about needing a team to care for and help me which includes listening and reflecting my experience accurately. To which I was reminded that I have the right to switch providers if I would like. Nice.

What I would say, if I could take my doctors to lunch is.... 

I am a person.

My experience is real.

No thank you, I don't want a pill to hide the newest symptom.

I am not lazy, a glutton, or a b*&T.

Okay, that last one....sometimes.

If we went to lunch we would be friends. You would KNOW me, you would see that I have interests, and cares, and habits....good ones. You would see that I am honest...sometimes to a fault. You would probably like me. I would make you laugh. You would know that I am a fighter and I am also very tired.

If we went to lunch we would be friends. I would KNOW you. I would know that you are tired, overworked, and that you don't know as much as the western world makes the rest of us believe you do. I would see that the weight of that stethoscope around your neck is a hell of a lot heavier than it looks. I would hear how you fell in love with the idea of healing people, of helping people.

If I could take my doctors to lunch, maybe we would both leave feeling a little better off than we do now.

We would go dutch, and look forward to the next time we'd see each other.

I would NOT ugly cry sobbing in the parking lot. 

Here is what I have learned.... As good as it feels to vent it out and say I am sick and tired of being sick and tired....and pointing out how unfair this has been, I have to step out of the identity of a sick person. I have to step into a truer identity.

I recognize that I may never find the doctor that would be the kind that would make me feel like we could totally enjoy a meal together. I may never figure this thing out and heal myself. The real lesson is this....

That person in the preverbal white coat is just a person. 

They are not my savior.

 They are not my Lord. 

They are not my GOD. 

And I have to stop acting like they are. I have set them up on this pedestal. I have hoped against hope that THIS time, THIS doctor will restore me to myself. 

How unfair I have been. 

Should doctors see their patients as people and not algorithms that must fit a certain formula...yes of course! Must we advocate for ourselves at times a little more directly? Yes! Should we go to see a doctor if something is not right? YES. 

But there are THREE people involved in my care and the order of which I got ALL wrong. 

I put too much emphasis on the "expert" when who knows my body and my heart more intimately than even me? 

Probably the one who put it together? 

Yeah.

So I have a renewed hope. I have a new lease on my future health because I am trusting in the Great Physician, the one who LOVES me and promises me a future outside of this temporary experience. 

And because I trust Him, I know that if He wills it, the right doctor will come along...and though its a little unrealistic to go to lunch with them....they will have the right answers and in the meantime....

Me and the Big Guy will work on it together. After all, I am being made new every day...